Saturday, September 12, 2009

Types Of Preachers

My pastor asked me to categorize preachers for his amusement. I've been a Christian my whole life and I've seen LOTS of preachers over the years. Here are a few that I have sorted and classified into groups. This list is not meant to question the validity or sincerity of their faith. It's just a list of characteristics some preachers share.

Takes Too Much Credit Guy - wants to tell about droves of people who were saved or otherwise ministered to because of his eloquent preaching. God was lucky to get a guy like him on His side.

Takes No Credit Guy - won't let you thank him for preaching a good message, praying for you, etc. "It's all God" is what he's quick to say at every opportunity.

Suffered a Great Tragedy Guy - You should listen to him because he's suffered the loss of a loved one. It would only compound his grief if you get caught making your grocery list while he's preaching.

Promoter Guy - Is there to sell his books or videos. He preaches a little, but the answers to your problems can be found in his book that's available at the back of the church. A portion of the proceeds go to Tragedy Guy's foundation.

Devil Hunter Preacher - a little different from Mrs. Devil Hunter, the church attendee, Preacher Devil Hunter will pray for people at the altar and yell at those hearing impaired demons to get out or else.

Name Dropper Preacher - Takes this opportunity to tell you about all the famous preachers he's not only met, he's ministered with them at conferences, or sat on their boards, or counseled them in some way. Just preach the Word already. Did I say that out loud?

Liar - This guy has led all of Asia to Christ, single-handedly. Billy Graham called him to ask for prayer. Elvis too.

3.5 Essay Guy - This guy tells us what he's going to tell us, tells us, and then tells us what he told us. It's a perfect 3 point, 5 paragraph speech. Fernando, your speech teacher ought to be so proud.

Rabbit Trail Guy - The antithesis of 3.5 essay guy. Rabbit Trail Guy has no idea what he's talked about at the end of the sermon, but he's been given the "land the plane" sign VIGOROUSLY 5 times now and the Cowboys are about to kick off, so he calls it.

Youth Pastor Guy - Has never left "youth pastor mode." Tries to be cool and entertaining. Uses lots of slang words to let you know he's cool.

Greek Teacher - is always telling you what the original Greek says.

A/V Guy - enhances his sermon with clips from movies and with cartoon slide shows.

Parable Guy - Jesus wishes He had such eloquent stories to enhance the sermon on the mount.

Altar Call Guy - Pleads for 20 minutes for someone to get saved. "This could be your last chance. You're not guaranteed tomorrow. You could have a safe (or in NYC an air conditioner) fall on your head on the way home."

End Of The World Guy - Similar to Mr. Conspiracy Head, the church-goer, but this guy gets 45 minutes and a broader audience. Summary of his message: Jesus is coming back tomorrow. Don't go to work. Go to the airport and pass out tracts to save as many as we can, while we can.

Dominion Guy - Opposite of End of the World Guy. This guy's not waiting to be evacuated by the Rapture. He doesn't throw up his hands in despair and say "Lord, come quickly" when he reads a terrible headline. He sees the bad headlines as evidence that the church isn't doing its job. "We need to take dominion. Advance the Kingdom. Don't go to work tomorrow, not at an office anyway. Advance the Kingdom. Become a campus minister and build disciples out of the world's future leaders. . ."

Why Other Denominations Are Wrong Guy - Is there to tell us why the so-and-sos have it wrong and the denomination he's with has it right. Just preach the Word already. There I go again.

Wanted To Be a Comedian Guy - keeps us laughing. I like Comedian Preacher. Even if I have no idea what he said at the end of the day.

Screamer - thinks yelling = important.

Positive Confessions Guy - isn't "sick." He's "fighting a cold." He will preach about "calling things that are not as though they were." He wants you to hold up your Bible and say things out loud a lot.

Racist - He is justified in his stereotyping. Plus he has a minority in his family and he can say whatever he wants.

Culturally Over Sensitive - is truly in a quandary over whether he should say "Black" or "African American." Almost apologizes for saying "Mexican." It's OK to use the word Mexican! People from America are Americans, Canada - Canadians, Mexico - Mexicans. "Mexican" isn't a dirty word.

Over Generaliser - has a very shallow argument and uses cliches to support it.


  1. I've gotten such a kick out of these posts! I'm certain one of the Christian mags. out there would dole out some cash to you for these! Have you heard Matthew preach? Which one would you say he is? :) It won't offend him..or me. :)

  2. Matthew is a hybrid. He is part Testimony Guy, part soft-spoken Takes No Credit Guy. I picture Testimony guy as a loud excited Charlie, but I think Matthew has that same joy that Charlie and his lot have, just a quieter version of it. He's always thankful for something, always praising God for a big thing or a small thing, always giving God the glory. I know he's a toughie though. He can set you straight, but in a way that you think you are the luckiest person ever to have been rebuked and exhorted to righteousness without feeling like you've failed Jesus.

  3. Love it! :) Can't wait to let him read this.
    Sure do love and miss you guys. Give sweet Hannah a hug from the Rowlands!